Σπιτάκι

Μιας και αρχίσαμε να λέμε για κακές ταινίες, πιστεύω ότι στο blog αυτό πρέπει οπωσδήποτε να γίνει αναφορά στην χειρότερη ταινία που έχω δει ποτέ στην ζωή μου, το City of Ghosts (ουδεμία σχέση, ούτε κατά διάνοια με το City of God).

Συγχωρέστε μόνο τα greeklish γιατί ό,τι ακολουθεί το είχα γράψει πριν πολύ καιρό σε ένα email στους συγκατοίκους και βαριέμαι τώρα να το “μεταφράσω”.

One more time… you may wonder what one more time…. well, one more time,
piga kai eida mia taineia. Ta sxolia tha mpoun sto telos :) Pantws epaizan
Departie kai Matt Dilon o opoios ypegrafe kai thn skhnothesia. I tainia
legotan “City of Ghosts” kai eixe kala comments sto Athinorama. Epishs htan
thriller opote egw vasika fantazomoun kati metajy 6th Sense kai The Others.
Tha sas dwsw mia perilipsi tis plokis.

O Jimmy enas typos, douleyei se mia etairia asfalistiki, i opoia meta apo
ena katastrophiko tyfwna (stous titlous tis taineias mas deixnei ton tyfwna,
mhn fantasteite oti eidame Twister) prepei na plhrwsei. O Mr Nigel o
owner/ceo whatever den einai pouthena kai ton kakomoiro Jimmy ton strimwxnei
to FBI pou omws an kai ypopteyetai oti exei sxesi me tin kombina ton afhnei
na fygei. (ayta einai ta 5-10 prwta lepta… kai polla lew)

O Jimmy loipon paei na vrei ton Marvin, to afentiko aka Mr Nigel, o opoios
einai sthn Bangkok. O Jimmy exei ton Marvin like his father, an kai sthn
pragmatikothta einai o father tou, apla pote den tou to eipe. Vevaia o irwas
mas to jerei alla kai aytos den to leei ston Marvin (please don’t ask me the
reasons behind this fascinating twist of the plot)

Mathainei loipon apo ton Kaspar, ton associate tou Marvin oti o Marvin einai
thn Kambodia kai oti prepei na pane ekei. Gnwrizei epishs thn fiancee tou
Kaspar, mia ex hooker. (ena pantelws asxeto(as if ta ypoloipa einai sxetika
me kati) meros ths taineias, pou apla se kanei na gelaseis ligo… hm on
second thought itan isws apo ta kalytera merh…) To arranged plan itan me
aeroplano, twra gia kapoion logo pou den thymamai twra, den paei me
aeroplano o Jimmy. Ftanontas sthn Kambodia paei sto Bellville or something
Motel kai ekei o Departie ton ypodexetai ws receptionist. Twra, mhn
fantasteite kanoniko jenodoxeio. Einai xeirotero slum apo ayto pou emene h
Zeta Jones kai o Connery sto Entrapment sthn Malaysia.

Ah, gia na paei sto motel pairnei ena bicycle taxi, pou basika ton paei dyo
bhmata parakatw. KYRIOLEKTIKA. Anyways, o Sok, Shok, Shoc, whatever, den
pairnei xrhmata… sou leei amerikanos einai, as kanoume stick around na ton
madhsoume (alliws den mporw na katalavw giati se OLH thn taineia, o Sok
kanei diafores malakies xwris na pairnei xrhmata.)

Tespa, loipon, systhnetai ston Departie kai aytos tou dinei ena note apo ton
Marvin gia na paei se ena brothel. O departie tou leei tis times kai tou
zhtaei to passport. New Laws leei…. Basika itan isws mia lame attempt tou
senariografou na krathsei ton Dilan sthn Kambodia, tha analysw argotera.

Loipon, o Jimy afhnei to passport sto trapezi, apo opou to klebei enas
enoxlhtikos prezakias under the noses of almost everyone… ah sorry, nai,
jexasa, oti oloi exoun bgei apo to magazi gia na deiroun ena kakomoiri pou
tolmhse na shkwsei xeri sthn gomena (…whatever…) ths istorias (einai i
typissa pou paizei tin kali in love typissa sto Truman Show, idea den exw
pws thn lene)

Loipon, paei to diavathrio. Bebaia, akoma kaneis den to antilambanetai. O
Jimmy paei sto dwmatio tou, me air condition… hm, nai vasika, na
dieykrinisw, oti air condition yparxei, apla einai sto patwma kai den
douleyei. Afhnei ta gyalia tou sto pervazi kai ta pairnei mia maimou. (kai
ayth h skhnh den jerw giati akrivws yparxei… ypothetw oti yaprxei kapoio
grand scheme pou egw, albeit a genious, cannot really see)

Katevainei o Jimmy sto bar, opou o Departie tou leei oti den exei to
passport. Hm, mystiriodws o Departie, pithanws me 6th sense (hm, telika isws
na eixe sxesi to 6th sense me tin taineia) katalave oti o typakos tou bar, o
prezakias de, eixe klepsei to passport. A kati pou jexasa o departie eixe
petajei ejw ton prezakia, opote at this point, leei ston Jimmy, don’t worry,
he will come back, kai tha paroume to passport sou. Epishs o departie leei
oti tha paei technician na take a look (argotera mathainoume oti o techie
itan methysmenos kai oti den eftiaje to klimatistiko… as if we cared…)
kai akoma o Departie kanei deny thn yparjh ths maimous (argotera mathainoume
oti ekanan polloi complain kai oti tha psajei na vrei thn maimou gia na thn
dwsei ston pythwna tou na thn faei, tha sas elega kai to onoma tou
pythwna… unfortunately, itan asxeto me thn captivating ypothesi, kai mou
diefyge)

Tespa, tsantismenos o Jimmy bgainei ejw. Meshmeri. Paei na faei. Ekei tou
thn peftei enas trelos me anaphriko karotsaki pou vasika ton kanei
intimidate oti an den brei to passport tha ginei marooned sto meros ayto
(see Mexican) Telika apofasizei na paei sto brothel. (o Departie tou leei
gia ayto) Paei ejw, pairnei ton Sok kai pane. (Kapou edw, einai den einai 30
mins tainia. I advise caution an thelete na synexisete na diavazete giati
egw den stamataw)

O Sok, Spok even, ton paei sto brothel. Paei mesa kai blepei mia bitrina me
ena STOP sign. Kathetai ston kanape. Pisw apo thn bitrina einai asian girls
in pink costumes. Anoigei i bitrina kai aytes pane kai tribontai stous
patrons gia 10 lepta… hm polla lew.. Meta mpainoun pali sthn bitrina.
Rwtaei o Jimmy gia ton Marvin, kamia apanthsh. Sto shmeio ayto peftei ligo
brisidi kai jylo anamesa ston pimi onomati Papa San (h Sam, not sure) kai
enan australo pou thelei na pantreutei mia porni. O Jimmy loses interest kai
paei na fygei. O Sok tha ton perimene ejw, alla “bad guys” ton ediwjan. O
Sok bebaia eixe kanei warn ton Jimmy oti i 213rd (i 231st, not sure again,
krima, giati itan crucial gia na kanete grasp to nohma ths tainias) itan
dangerous area. Anyways, bgainei ejw o Jimmy, pouthena o Sok. Perpata kai
tou thn peftoun kati typoi. Ton dernoun. Den tou kleboun tipota.

Ton perimazeyei o kalos Sok kai ton paei se mia doctor, i opoia einai fili
tou Sok (damn, den thymamai to onoma ths) kai i opoia ton kanei advise na
mhn mpei se fasaries… Nai… poly shmantiko element sthn ploki…
omologoumenws… Paei spiti loipon o Jimmy. Ekei milaei me ton departie pou
ton kernaei ligo krasi. Akoma enas patron tou bar tou lei oti o Marvin einai
gnwsth mourh (sto kabouri) kai oti kanei business me ton ex general Sideth
(Psideath an protimate) kai oti einai deep in trouble. Sthn poreia ths
taineias exoume hdh mathei oti ton kynhgane kai kati rwsoi ton Marvin…
agnwst giati… (gia na mhn anhsyxeite, pote den mathainoume giati ton
kynhgousane… exciting, e?)

Blepei loipon pali thn “gomena” kai rwtaei to Departie gia authn. “She is
out of our league.” “Yours, but not mine” Em bebaia, kotzam Mat Dilon
einai… no woman can resist him. Paei na bgei ejw kai sta panemorfa matia
tou groom (hm… nai… kai ta dontia tou itan epishs panemorfa… hmm…
nai, itan, honest) blepei na kanoun rest ta gyalia pou tou eklepse h maimou.
Tou dinei 5 dols (giati? E, twra, profanes den einai? Elate… to jerw oti
to jerete giati to ekane… elate twra, mhn rwtate… oxi, den tha sas to
apokalypsw, na katsete na skefteite to giati… mhn ta thelete ola sto
piato… come on…)

Loipon kai paei na kanei court aythn thn typissa. Ok, not really worked.
Pantws blepoume oti o enas ths filos einai entelws mastourwmenos (monimws…
yup) kai i filh ths einai mia janthia typissa. Tespa, den poly petyxainei to
courting, giati biazetai ayth. O typos tote blepei ton Kaspar pou ton
phgainei ston Marvin. O Marvin tou leei vasika oti thelei na kanei ena
kazino sthn Kambodia. O Kaspar leei oti einai malakas giati oi kambodians
den exoun oute papoutsia, alla who cares…

O Marvin epishs leei oti den tou afhse autos to mhnyma gia to brothel (hm,
somehow, none of us were shocked or even interested in that) Akomh blepoume
ton Kaspar na milaei me enan akoma pio stupid looking typo, alla kai psilo
thug looking. O Jimmy leei ston Marvin oti einai tired apo thn life of crime
kai oti thelei na aposyrthei. O Marvin tou leei na to janaskeftei. Einai
emfanes oti o Marvin den goustarei na kanei douleies mono me ton Kaspar.

Ton kalei se dinner me tous funders aka ton Sideth. To brady kanoun oloi
meet kai blepeis thn apisteuth maketa tou jenodoxeiou/kazino. Exei kai
hunting grounds dipla. To arsenal gia tous hunters diathetei rockets….
(den eimai sigouros giati… pithanws na theloun na kanoun demolish to
jenodoxeio tous… tha sas gelasw. O xatz pou jerei kalytera po tainies,
isws na mas kanei enlighten.)

Erm, loipon syzhtane gia to poios tha plhrwsei ti, poious tha ladwsoun kai
pou tha einai to kazino. O Kaspar, ws fwnh ths logikhs leei oti lene
malakies. O Jimmy gyrnaei spiti kai blepei ena weird dream me diafores
kobarses gynaikes na kanoun diafora asxeta pragmata. (Sto shmeio ayto
skefthka, a wraia, twra tha ginei psilo metaphysiko thriller. Better late
than never…. Diapseustika otan i tainia prozwrhse kanontas ignore olo
ayto.)

Sto spiti tou Marvin milane gia to kazino otan o general erxetai kai leei
ston Marvin oti oi rwsoi einai sthn Kambodia. O Marvin meta milaei ston
Kaspar kai o typos einai profanes oti den jerei na leei psemata. Gia enan
apatewna, den einai kai poly kalo ayto. O Kaspar ekane betray ton Marvin
stous rwsous. O marvin etoimazei escape. O Kaspar paei ston Jimmy kai tou
leei na fygei, ALAS o Jimmy den exei passport (hm, o director ithele
apegnwsmena na anagkazei ton Jimmy na meinei sthn poli. Anarwtiemai pws me
toses diasyndeseis den mporese na kanei plasto toses meres… hm, pithanws o
general Sideth na bariotan….)

O Kaspar feugei kai o Jimmy ton blepei na kanei kati trade me ton thug
looking fella. O Jimmy paei na brei tin gomena ekei pou douleuei, anasthlwsh
ktiriwn. O Jimmy milaei mazi ths kai tis leei 5-6 malakies gia th zwh tou.
Einai se fash oti den kanei trust kanenan kai oti o Marvin itan like his
father. Apofasizei na paei mazi tis se ena meros opou ayth douleyei, ayrio.
Paei spiti kai briskei valitsa me lefta kai gramma apo marvin na fygei. ALAS
no passport. Exei vevaia 10M$ alla to passport costs much more, no? Yes of
course it does…

O Jimmy paei loipon me thn gomena sto meros ekeino, kati san ancient ruins.
Ekei o thug paei na kanei attack. ALLA, as pw kati pou jexasa. Sthn poreia,
o mastouras filos ths gomenas xanei to poukamiso tou sto potami. Vasika to
bouthje mesa kai to afhse (den jerw giati) meta phdhje kai o idios (almost
drowned) o jimmy tou edwse to jacket tou to brady kai o thug ton ekane
mistake gia ton Jimmy kai ton esfaje. meta, o Jimmy ekane attack to thug,
alla den ton skotwse (e einai kai pacifist o irwas mas)

Amesws meta apofasizei na gyrisei spiti.

En tw metajei o Marvin me ton Kaspar, enan bodyguard kai enan allo typo,
perimenoune ton kybernhth ths areas opou tha ginei to kazino. Skotwnetai o
associate kai o body kai o Marvin ejafanizetai otan paei sthn toualeta. O
kaspa gyrnaei pisw kai briskei ton Jimmy.

Erxontai ransom letters kai ena podi, tou Marvin apparently. Zhtane 5M. Pane
o K kai o J ston Sideth kai tou zhtane boitheia. O typos boithaei kanontas
ta contacts, bebaia den dinei frago. O Jimmy leei tote oti exei lefta kai o
Kaspar ekplhktos antilambanetai oti o Marvin edwse lefta ston Jimmy alla oxi
ston idio.

O Kaspar meta paei stous Rwsous (axa, o tsatsos…) zhta ta lefta up front.
Vasika thelei me afta na plhrwsei tous apagwgeis giati den jerei posa exei o
Jimmy kai meta tha kanei deliver to Marvin stous rwsous. Oi rwsoi omws exoun
thn fiancee tou….

Gyrnei pisw. O jimmy koimatai sths gomenas… sex ktl, rather boring… (as
if the rest of the film was interesting)

hm… what next.. a.. nai, loipon, o Kaspar paei ston Jimmy kai o Sideth
tous leei ti zhtane oi kidnappers. Epishs tous deixnei ena film. O typos pou
eklepse to passport skotwnetai se mine field kai o typos pou edeire tin
gomena sthn arxh ton kanoun shoot. O Marvin einai ekei me komeno podi,
apparently.

Pane loipon thn allh mera prwi o J o K kai o Sok na kanoun deliver. Pane sto
sacred tree me ta heart shaped leaves. Afhnoun mia sakoula me lefta. O K
katouraei to dentro kai tou epitithentai nyxterides kai peftei sth lasph. O
Spok paizei ton diermhnea gia enan holy man/monk, o opoios tous leei oti to
dentro einai holy kai oti o dromos den einai safe. Zhtaei ena tsigaro san
eyxaristw.. (asxeto meros ths taineias)

Feygoun me to car kai gia kapoio logo stamatane. O Spok paei me ta podia,
gia kapoio logo mexri thn nearby poli. O K leei na ton klasoun. O J
arneitai, giati o Sok einai “good man” Ok… O K xtypaei ton J sthn plath
kai pairnei to aytokintho…

O Sok vriskei ton Jimmy kai ton syneferei kai o Jimmy paei na dei ti egine
sto dentro. O sok thelei na paei mazi kai na polemhsei tous bad guys
(GIATI?!!) alla o J tou leei na stay put kai oti tha paei na ton kanei pick
up later. Kapoia stigmh sto dentro erxetai ena paidi me ena bodi me ena
glinging kampanaki na parei ta lefta. Ta pairnei kai ta paei se ena spiti. O
J akolouthei apo ta bushes kai otan pia ftanei poly konta syneidhtopoiei oti
itan panw se mine field. (e kai? To mathainei afou exei bgei apo ton kindyno
kai den pathse narkh, opote ti mas endiaferei?)

Paei sto spiti kai blepei to ptwma tou enos typou apo to video. Ejereunei,
enw epikratei enas mini panikos, den tou epitithetai kai kanenas bebaia.
Briske telika to dwmatio me enan typo me hood alla anti gia ton Marvin,
einai o Kaspak. Ton xtypane. Unconscious again. Meta loipon kainei kati
typoi ena ptwma kai meta o General Sideth tous pairnei kai tous bazei
mprosta se ena urn kai tous leei oti ayto einai o Marin. Backstabbing kai
etsi…

o Kaspak kanei escape, pyrobolaei enas stou diaolou thn mana, alla jefeygei
(mesa apo to mine field?) kai tote o Marvin emfanizetai pisw apo ton Jimmy
(e pote…. den to perimenate e?) kai tou leei oti hjere oti ton ekane
backstab stous rwsous o Kaspak kai oti mono etsi tha jefortwnotan tous
rwsous, staging his death. Tou leei na paei mazi tou se kati nhsia. o jimmy
omws den thelei pia na kanei crimes kai thelei na fygei monos. O Marvin tou
dinei tin suitcase me ta 5M kai to passport, pou to phrane apo ton typo prin
anatinaxtei sto minefield (deite parapanw), alla o Sideth leei oti einai
dangerous kai oti isws anoijei to stoma tou. Bgainoun guns. Last man
standing o Jimmy kai dying o Marvin. Ah, prin kati lepta o Jimmy leei ston
Marvin, implies really, oti jerei oti einai gios tou. (nai, dystyxws den
eixe “I am your father” skhnh)

o Marvin dying sto amaji leei “Me and your mother…” treis fores kai meta o
arketa malakas Jimmy tou leei vasika na mhn milhsei (oh yes, den mathame ta
dying words tou Marvin… KRIMA…. htan toso shmantika gia thn ejeliji ths
synarpastikis ypothesis)

o Marvin pethainei. O Jimmy ton vazei se mia varka kai thn pyrobolei.
Bouliazei. sniff….

O Jimmy gyrnaei kai mazeyei ton Sok (aporw poses wres perasan. Basika egw
ypetheta oti eixan perasei meres otan bouliaje h barka me ton Marvin) O J
leei ston Sok na ton paei sto meros pou douleyei i gomena kai otan ftanoun
afhnei ston Sok to amaji me ola ta lefta…

O Sok paei kai dinei ta misa sthn giatro filh tou… after all einai o “good
guy”

O Jimmy anebainei ena ancient ruin pyramidoid building opou einai h gomena
me thn janthia friend…..

Titloi Telous….

Apithani tainia e? Captivating, fascinating, really exciting story… Se
krataei apo thn prwth stimgh. Poly agwnia ti tha ginei re paidi mou. Th
synistw anepifylakta….

PS: Egw, o Markos kai o Alejis klaime 7 Euro o kathenas.